I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
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[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
the saddest jazz hands ever
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.