I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
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{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction