I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
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*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
ready to be harvested
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??