I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
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People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.