Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
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[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
My love language is hissing.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.