5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
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I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.