I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
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Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.