I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
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No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
I think this cat is broken
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
The most important meal of the day is the next one
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that