I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
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Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
all that yoga finally paid off
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs