“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
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My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
me, too, girl. me, too.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.