@buttnight: I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I'm heartbroken
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@Piecezilla: My apartment is so dirty that I actually lost my last girlfriend to the 5 second rule.
@junejuly12: I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
@Phook75: Opening a bag of M&M's will produce no sound to a normal human. A toddler, it's like the atomic blast at Nagasaki to those creatures
@DirtMcTurd: [Hospital front desk] "Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-" *wife hits me* "Baby delivery, I mean she's here to deliver a baby"