I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
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How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Lassie, get help!
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Name another movie that mislead you?
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.