I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
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Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
How to find Kentucky on a map
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar