She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
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We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard