My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
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Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
smh
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen