I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
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[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Whoa 😂
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”