*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
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I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Okey dokey.