Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
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Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship