@punmagnate: I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
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@JediGigi: [he picks me up on 1st date] Him: What do you have there? Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
@Prof_Hinkley: I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
@Chocovania: [Border control] Officer: “You’re not American.” Me: “Deep.” *Officer squints* M: “Fried.” *squints harder* M: “Guns.” "Welcome back, Sir."