I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
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Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”