I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
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lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
A wise man once said nothing.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.