Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
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Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?