Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
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You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.