“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
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What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Jail
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Its true…
The old gods are rising again.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”