i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
You Might Also Like
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
I’m not proud
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain