[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
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Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
happy mother’s day❤️
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Breaking news:
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.