@djdarrellripley: I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait... What's that animal that plays dead?
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@Reverend_Scott: How to open new toy: 1. Cut tape with machete. 2. Take shot. 3. Undo 23,518 twist ties. 4. Take 3 shots. 5. Watch child play with box.
@TheJessicaLong: The little girl behind me asked her mom what murder was, confirming my suspicious that Sesame Street doesn't prepare you for the real world.
@Brianhopecomedy: Went into Dollar Store. Asked for a dollar. Cashier did not give me one. Suing company for false advertising.
@ericsshadow: My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.