@djdarrellripley: I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait... What's that animal that plays dead?
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@UniqueDude2: [2 dead cats on ground] Cat Detective: Curiosity killed them but how…*dies* ~later~ [3 dead cats on ground] Cat Detective II: How di…*dies*
@platinum2000: If you're suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: My book was translated for the UK. Wife: They speak English. Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed "stroller" to "buggy"* Sort of.
@JosesLovesYou: If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.