I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
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– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away