I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
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*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.