I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
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My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
I put the hot in psychotic.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]