@dril: i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8x10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
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@stephenjmolloy: Ian: "I'd like to report my guide dog missing." Cop: "Right. When did you last see him?" Ian: "I've never seen him."
@madeleinedoux: [date at rooftop bar] give me ur hand "Is tha-are u wearing a squirrel tail?" *rips off jacket to reveal flying squirrel suit* do u trust me
@jensrmk: People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I'm happiest when I'm right!
@SalimAliAhmad: Do you ever go on youtube just to watch a music video then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe?