@dril: i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8x10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
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@ItsAndyRyan: GYM Man: "Can you spot me?" Me: "Sure" Man: *Throwing down towel* "Invisibility cloak my ass"
@QwertyJones3: This florist doesn't even know anything about floors, and he's acting like I'm the stupid one!
@Manali_Shetye5: Mom: can i borrow your laptop? Me: *deletes history* Me: *logs out of twitter* Me: *closes chrome* Me: *opens internet explorer* Me: sure
@Fred_Delicious: [sex addiction group] "Hi, my name is Fred, and as I've got a saxophone in my hand it's fair to assume I misread the ad"