i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
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birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*