@ImaFlyontheWall: I can convert alcohol into an idiot
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@trentistweeting: ME: [at a party] hey! wanna come back to my place and- GIRL: hook up? sure! ME: [sadly putting away two Yu-Gi-Oh! decks] oh. awesome
@Paxochka: I'm 5'5" and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
@ThoughtOtter: [blind date] OK don't let her know you're a remote control "Your eyes are beau- *sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks* DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
@xLiserx: 1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.