(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
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INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Still a very good boi….
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.