I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
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*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.