I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
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When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby