driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
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There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Good boy 😂😂
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
oh shit
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks