Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
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I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Bless you
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this