“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
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Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
mariah carrie
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.