I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
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[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer