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@TheMichaelRock: I can either be on time or wearing pants.
@Swishergirl24: My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don't have to shovel snow this weekend.
@heidi420x: The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
@bazecraze: You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
@SteveSuckington: [homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
"what are you doing inside my house?"