date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
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When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Legend 🤣🤣
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??