My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
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Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?