Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
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I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
man: wait
time: no
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?