@XplodingUnicorn: I can fake my way through most conversations with my kids if I just look up from my phone every time they stop talking and say "no."
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@steveolivas: Me: Would you remarry if I died? Wife: Yes. Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile? Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
@Paulmay018: Suggested movie theater prices: Adults - $9.00, Under 12 - $ 6.00, Under 3 - $249.00
@david8hughes: [first day as a bartender] Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
@PaperWash: [while titanic is sinking] me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can't believe no one is eating these lol