@XplodingUnicorn: I can fake my way through most conversations with my kids if I just look up from my phone every time they stop talking and say "no."
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@Goofpoops: Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you're not getting laid...it's because the women can't see you..
@Iwriteforcats: James is coming over. "James from work or James who thinks he's a leprechaun?" J: TOP O' THE MORNIN' TO YA! "I'll hide the Lucky Charms."
@HumanPog: one time i went to the bathroom and i didn't know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
@myles_morrison: The guy behind me at the grocery store only had energy drinks, root beer & gummie lifesavers, so I asked how far into assassins creed he was