You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
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Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Made something I’m not proud of
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”