I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
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*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
August 8
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall