I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
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Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Plant care tips
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
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Me: Same
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Awesome parenting 😂
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere