I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
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They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.