I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
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Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork