How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
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7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first