i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
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you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
we all know this pain all too well
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Can’t. Being lazy.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️