i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
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My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
#growingpains
How it started: How it’s going:
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No